Once Upon a Potter Winner of AU Challenge!
by PHFF
Summary: What would it take to get arch rivals Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy to work together? Try an ancient book with some magical properties, a pack of playing cards, a bunch of angry dwarves and some rather antagonistic barnyard animals! DM/HG


**_A/N: Winner of Jude's Wild AU Challenge at PHFF! Written by purpleheart of PHFF!! Congratulations Purpy!! Please feel free to review!!_**

* * *

Once Upon a Potter

By: Purpleheart

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, I don't care if it _is_ a Quidditch game or not, it simply does _not_ give you the right to attempt to embed your opponent's face into the side of the Astronomy tower!"

_There is_ no way _that I am going to get detention because of that prat Malfoy_, Harry Potter thought angrily. "But Professor McGonagall," he protested, "Malfoy's the one who started it! He threw a handful of Peruvian Darkness Powder in my eyes just as I was about to catch the snitch!"

"I did nothing of the sort, Potter," Malfoy drawled. "And you were about as ready to catch that snitch as your moronic mate the Weasley King is to playing a perfect game. In other words, not even close."

"You take that back, Malfoy!"

"Gentlemen! That is _quite_ enough!" McGonagall commanded. "Now I don't want to hear another word from you two! In fact, I'm going to make sure that you keep quiet by sending you to the library to help out Madame Pince!"

"Help out _that_ hag? I wouldn't be caught dead—"

"Professor, I'm telling you, I didn't—"

"No arguments! Now get going to the library before I change my mind about your punishment and decide to suspend the both of you from playing Quidditch altogether!"

At that, both Seekers snapped their mouths shut and reluctantly headed off to the library.

* * *

About an hour later, both boys were in a back wing of the library, sorting through, dusting off and stacking some ancient tomes that Harry was sure hadn't seen a bookshelf in at least 50 years. He and Malfoy were working in relative silence; Harry had pointedly ignored Malfoy's occasional barbs and eventually, the Slytherin had quieted down and began to sourly stack the textbooks that Harry had been de-dusting. That is, until, Harry pulled out a rather large book from a box and promptly dropped it on his foot. "Blast!" he swore angrily.

Malfoy snorted in glee. "Potter, I don't know how you managed to make it onto a Quidditch team at all with that magnificent hand-eye coordination of yours."

"Shut it, Malfoy! This book's a lot heavier than it looks!" Harry groaned as he slid the book off of his foot. It was a large, rather primeval-looking leather-bound book, but it had felt like a ton of bricks when it hit his foot. _Why was it so heavy?_ Sitting on the floor, he leaned forward and curiously opened the book to the first page.

Malfoy had been watching him suspiciously. "All right, Potter, what's the big deal over here? Are you hiding a copy of _Playwizard_ in there or something?" He plopped down on the floor next to Harry and pulled the book from him. "Oi, this is heavy! What in the bloody hell kind of book _is_ this?"

"Hey, I was reading that!" Harry reached for the old book once more. For some unfathomable reason, he found it intriguing.

"Like you know how to read, Potter!"

"Let go, Malfoy!"

In the struggle, Malfoy had still managed to get a glimpse of the first paragraph. "_'Once upon a time'?_ Potter, are you telling me that you're fighting me over a book of _fairy stories?_ Oh, this is rich!" he sneered mockingly.

Harry looked down at the page. "Wait a minute; this is a muggle book! What's it doing in the Hogwarts library?"

"A _muggle_ book? Salazar's sack!" Malfoy recoiled from the book in revulsion.

"Yeah, my cousin Dudley used to get these kinds of books all the time, but he never touched them, so I'd get his rejects. This looks just like an old book of muggle fairy tales. But why are they _here?_" Harry wondered aloud.

Malfoy shrugged and made to get up. "Beats me…I couldn't care less about a damned muggle book. I've got more important things to do, like clean my fingernails…or blink…or inhale deeply…"

"Well, help me up first. This book's as heavy as an unconscious troll."

Malfoy let out a huff of exasperation. "Fine, whatever. Anything to get out of here quicker." As he took one end of the large book and Harry the other, the book began to glow with an unearthly light.

"Potter, this isn't funny! Now quit it with the stupid pranks so that we can finish this crap, okay?"

"What do you mean, _me?_ I thought _you_ were the one trying to make a joke!"

Before either one of them could say another word, a flash of light coming from the book filled the room, and there was a large BOOM.

"Potter…Potter, get up off of your dead arse! What in buggerartion did you just do?"

Harry put a hand to his head, which was throbbing and slowly sat up. The two of them were in a forest, sprawled out on the ground across a dirt path. Malfoy was glaring at him, but looked quite startled at the same time.

"What the—where are we?" Harry looked around in confusion,

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "What the hell are you good for, Scarhead? I was just going to ask _you_ the same thing!"

"Geez, Malfoy—"

"Excuse me, but have either of you two seen any wolves around here, by any chance?"

Harry and Malfoy blinked at each other in confusion. Slowly, they both looked up and saw a girl holding a basket wearing a bright red cape and hood. "Er," Harry began warily. "No…no, I don't think so."

"Oh, good," she sighed in relief, pushing her hood off of her head to reveal a head of long, dark curls. She reminded Harry of Hermione. "Grandma told me to be very careful if I was going to use the forest path, and I got a later start than I would have liked. I certainly didn't expect to run into anyone else here!"

Malfoy had been eyeing the girl with interest. "Neither did I…especially a tasty little bird like yourself." He stood up and approached her predatorily. "What's your name, Red?" he said, giving her red hood a playful little tug.

The girl's eyes were growing larger by the minute, but she seemed to be rooted to the ground. "Uh…I probably shouldn't give my name to a…a stranger," she managed, staring at him with a combination of alarm and fascination.

"Well, allow me to introduce myself, babe…I'm the Big Bad Wolf," Malfoy leered back at her as the girl let out a tiny gasp.

"Blimey, Malfoy, will you quit it?" Harry grabbed a hold of the cape of Malfoy's Quidditch robes and pulled him back. "Er, Miss, you had better get going to your Grandmum's house before it gets dark, okay?" The girl nodded back at him and with one last glance at Malfoy, darted off down the forest path.

"Dammit, Scarhead, do you have to be such a killjoy? That chick was kind of cute!"

"Malfoy, we have got a much bigger problem to worry about here!"

"Yeah, like what?"

"That was Little Red Riding Hood, for Merlin's sakes!"

"Little Red Reading _Who?"_

"Little Red Riding Hood…she's a character from a muggle fairy tale!" Harry put a hand to his head once more—it was still throbbing quite a bit. "Call me crazy, but I think we may actually be _in_ that muggle fairy tale book."

Malfoy stared at Harry in disbelief. "I'll call you more than crazy, Potter—you're a complete nutter who should be locked up somewhere! There is _no way_ that we could possibly—"

"There he is, Your Majesty! We've spotted the White Rabbit!" Harry and Malfoy turned to see a life-sized playing card pointing a large spear directly at Malfoy. "Merlin's balls!" Malfoy exclaimed, jumping back. "What in the bloody hell is thi—"

Another playing card jumped into the fray, pointing a spear at Harry. "And just who are you, stranger? Are you trying to steal Her Majesty's White Rabbit like that 'Alice' girl?"

"White Rabbit, my arse! I'm a _Malfoy_, you oversized game piece!"

Harry put his hands up and spoke in a placating tone. "He's not the White Rabbit…we're actually…er…mercenaries…yeah, that's it! We were hired by the Queen of Hearts to go and _find_ the White Rabbit for her! We were on that 'Alice' girl's trail until you stopped us, and now we've probably lost her!"

"We have?" Both cards stared back at Harry in consternation.

"Yeah! So let us go this instant or you'll have Her Majesty's wrath to deal with!"

Both cards immediately lowered their spears. "We're very sorry Mister Mercenaries…good luck on your search, and if you need any of us cards for assistance, please let us know!"

"The only thing I'd need either of you two for is if I was making a trip to the gaming hall," Malfoy snarled under his breath. Harry gave him a quick kick to the shin, but carefully kept his eyes on the retreating cards. When they were gone, he turned back to the sullen Slytherin. "All right, Malfoy, _now_ do you believe me? We've got a serious problem here!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I HIRED NO MERCENARIES—THEY TRICKED YOU INTO THINKING THAT THEY'RE INNOCENT! _OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!"_

"Now how did the Weasel King's Mum get all the way out here?" Malfoy quipped.

"Malfoy, quit it! That's the Queen of Hearts…we've got to get out of here _right now!"_ Harry started to bolt down the forest path and Malfoy quickly followed suit. After a series of twists and turns off of the main path (in order to throw the card guards off of their trail), they found themselves facing a clearing with a small, inviting cottage. Harry stepped up to the front door and knocked tentatively. After a moment, the door opened, seemingly of its own accord. Harry and Malfoy looked at each other in puzzlement. "Hello?" Harry finally called into the cottage. "Is anyone there?"

"Down here, pinhead."

Harry looked down and saw a rather irate-looking dwarf frowning up at him. Malfoy grimaced in distaste and muttered to Harry, "Brilliant. A Flitwick wannabe. Remind me to drop Charms when we get out of this blasted place and get back to Hogwarts." Harry sighed and closed his eyes in frustration.

"Well," the surly dwarf demanded, "what do you want?"

Malfoy snorted. "I'd like to make a deposit into my Gringotts account." Harry kicked him again and Malfoy swore under his breath. "Er," Harry began, "could we please come in for a moment or two? We're on the run from an army of cards and we could really use a place to hide."

Several other dwarves had started to emerge from other parts of the cottage and came to the door to stare at the boys in curiosity. They all seemed to have quite poor eyesight because they were squinting up at Harry and Malfoy and curiously murmuring amongst themselves. Finally, one of the smallest dwarves from the back of the group asked, "Are you ladies in some sort of trouble?"

"_Ladies?"_ Malfoy exclaimed in a highly insulted tone. Harry kicked him once more. "Dammit, Scarhead, if you kick me one more time—"

Harry leaned in and whispered, "They can hardly see from working in the mines all day and probably think our Quidditch robes are dresses, you prat! Now play along because they're more likely to help out two damsels in distress than a couple of snarky gits, okay?" Malfoy looked like he was ready to explode, but Harry turned back to the dwarves and covered it with, "Yes, I'm uh…" he glanced down at his red Gryffindor Quidditch robes and quickly improvised, "…Rose Red. And this is…" he looked at Malfoy, who was glaring at him in abhorrence through the strands of white-blonde hair that were falling across his forehead. "…Snow White."

"I am _not_ going to pose as any stupid slag named Snow—"

Harry kicked him again.

"Bugger me!" Malfoy swore through clenched teeth.

Harry continued as if the exchange with Malfoy had never occurred. "We could really use your help," he finished with as winning a smile as he could manage. _Sure hope this works…I don't have much experience trying to charm dwarves, _he thought nervously.

"Oh, no you don't," the first dwarf said in a brusque tone. "_Nobody_ gets in our house!" He turned back to the other dwarves. "They could be witches who are trying to ensnare us and steal our diamonds!" A few murmured in agreement.

Malfoy stepped in front of Harry. "Look here, you vertically challenged twit! You'd better let us in before I step on your ugsome little face!"

"I'd like to see you try, you white-haired amazon!"

"You tell him, Grumpy!"

"My hair is NOT white!"

Harry could hear the army of cards getting closer. "Malfoy," he nudged the Slytherin Seeker, who was too involved in an insult match with the rebellious dwarves to take notice. "Malfoy," Harry broke in again.

"Sod off, Potter!"

Harry grabbed Malfoy's head and spun it to face the direction from which they had come. The irate cards could be seen approaching from the distance. As one, the boys turned back to the dwarves and pushed their way into the cottage, slamming the door behind them.

"Do you think they'll try to break in here?" Malfoy asked Harry.

"I don't know; I—"

"_Get the witches!"_ All of a sudden, the dwarves flew at Harry and Malfoy, brandishing tiny clubs. Harry took off in one direction, Malfoy in the other.

Harry finally managed to give the dwarves the slip after he darted out the back door and hid behind the shed. Luckily, the area had been well-shaded from the trees and being as his original assessment was correct—the dwarves _did_ have poor eyesight—they were unable to spot him. When he was finally certain that all of the angry dwarves had given up their pursuit, he decided to sneak around to the side of the house to see if he could find out what had happened to Malfoy. Harry had a feeling that he needed to stick with the scornful Slytherin—somehow, the two of them had managed to get themselves into this mess; most likely it would be necessary for the two of them to work together in order to get themselves out of it. Harry wasn't looking forward to it, but he was even less enthusiastic about spending the rest of his days dodging sadistic playing cards. Cautiously, he crept up to the side of the cottage and peeked in the window.

"Ah, there you are, my lovely Briar Rose! I have been searching this wood for you in earnest! I heard that you had been under a sleeping spell at some castle, but I _knew_ it couldn't be true!"

Harry turned to the sound of the new voice, and found himself facing a rather vapid looking prince that reminded him vaguely of Gilderoy Lockhart, sitting atop a white horse. "Er," Harry began, backing away, "look, your highness, I am _not_ this Briar Rose, okay? Surely you can see that I'm a bloke!"

The prince looked befuddled. "Is that so? I think you are trying to fool the great Prince Philip!" He whipped out a sword and pointed it at Harry's throat. _Great Gryffindor, this is getting worse by the minute._ "If a lad you be, then why are you wearing a dress? Answer me that!" He looked so proud of himself for coming up with that deduction that Harry would not have been surprised if the prince had followed it up with handing Harry an autographed picture.

Harry didn't even get a chance to answer, for the angry mob of cards had spotted him once again and were approaching threateningly. However, this time Harry was ready for them—being as he was no longer on the run, his aim would be reliable. Quickly, he whipped out his wand and pointed it at the cards shouting, _"Impedimenta!"_

Instantly, the cards all froze and toppled over into a neat stack.

"Odds bodkins!" the foppish prince exclaimed. "That was magnificent! Now I see why you are wearing dress-like robes, lad…you are a powerful wizard!"

Harry smiled dryly. "Well, in a way, yes," he admitted. _Anything to keep this yampy prince from pointing that sword at me again._

"Perhaps it is Divine Providence that has caused me to run into you, great wizard! Apparently, my darling Briar Rose has been cursed with a spell that makes her allergic to spinning wheels and none of my court wizards can find anything in the Great Book of Spells to help her…"

_Great Book of Spells? I don't remember anything about a Great Book of Spells in the Sleeping Beauty story. Unless..._ "What does this Great Book of Spells look like?" Harry interrupted.

"It's a rather large, ancient looking book, leather-bound in black with thick parchment pages…"

_That certainly sounds like the book that got us into this grand mess in the first place._ "Well," Harry began, thinking quickly, "I know all about that book and I can definitely help you, but first I need to get my uh…wizard's assistant first. He's in here," Harry indicated, gesturing to the cottage. _Malfoy is going to owe me big time for this one, even though he's going to_ hate _posing as my assistant. This ought to be fun._

"Let's not waste any more time then, lad!" The prince dismounted his horse and pompously strode to the front door. "I'll just inform him that his presence is requested by the royal house!" He firmly knocked on the door and after a moment, it swung open. This time, a slightly less surly dwarf had answered the door. "Yes? What do you want?"

The prince puffed up his chest. Apparently he was put out at not being immediately recognized. "Wee man, I am Prince Philip and I understand that there is a wizard's assistant in a long dress in there that I need to complete a royal task for me! Now send him out immediately!" he commanded with a flourishing gesture.

"Do you mean the snooty blonde in the green gown? She's not here."

Harry stepped forward. "What do you mean he's…she's…" Harry had almost forgotten that he told the dwarves that Malfoy was Snow White. "Where is…_she?" _he demanded.

"She made a run for it. Took out some sort of branch and made this big blast that busted a hole in our wall," the dwarf indicated a large hole on the other side of the door. "Ran off into the woods…good riddance, I say." With that, the dwarf slammed the door in their faces.

Harry sighed. "Blast. I should have known Malfoy would find a way to make this even _more_ complicated."

* * *

Meanwhile, Malfoy had, after some aimless wandering, managed to find the forest path once more. _What in buggeration am I supposed to do now? _he wondered. _There's no way in hell I'm going back to that Domicile of Dodgy Dwarves…Potter will just have to use the few brain cells that he's got to find me out here. _As he debated over whether he should just keep walking or wait for Potter to catch up with him, a feminine voice interrupted his train of thought. "Mr. Wolf? How did you manage to get ahead of me?" He turned around to see the cute little bird with the red hood staring back at him in bewilderment. _What was it that Potter had called her…Little Red Driving Wood or something like that? No matter…I could use a distraction right about now, and this attractive little package is just the ticket._

"Oi, Red," he said, smirking at her as he closed the distance. "Still off to your Grandmum's? Or do you mind taking a little detour?" Reaching out, he gave one of her wayward curls a little tug.

She stared back at him as she nervously licked her lips. "A…a detour? What do you mean?"

He grinned wickedly. "I mean…"

"THERE'S ONE OF THEM! SEND IN THE SPADES! _OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!"_

_Bollocks. When I finally manage to get the hell out of this nightmare, I'm going to dedicate my life to setting fire to every blasted playing card I see. _Wildly, he looked around for a place to hide. "Dammit!" Desperately, he turned to the red-hooded girl. "Red, _please!"_

Red was watching him, wide-eyed. Finally, she grabbed his hand and started to run, pulling him along the path with her. "Come on, my Grandma's house is close by!"

As if to prove her point, a small log cabin immediately came into view. Bursting through the door with Malfoy right on her heels, she spun around and quickly bolted the door shut behind them. For a moment, they just stared at each other, panting from the effort of the vigorous escape. "Thanks," he finally managed.

She shrugged self-consciously and slid her hood off of her head as her dark curls spilled out in profusion. _This girl reminds me of someone_, Malfoy mused, _but I can't quite place who. Ah, like it matters, anyway. _He stepped forward and placed a hand on either side of the door, effectively trapping her between them. "Allow me to express my gratitude, babe," he drawled cheekily as he leaned in for a snog.

"Wait!" I can't…I don't even _know_ you!" she protested, all the while staring at his lips hypnotically. He grinned back at her. "What better way to get acquainted with each other," he rejoined, leaning in once again.

"But…" her eyes were positively huge. "My Grandma is in the next room!" she gasped desperately.

_Merlin's balls. The last thing I need is some old harpy wanting to chase me down for manhandling her granddaughter, no matter how cute she is. _Draco grimaced and leaned back. "Fine, have it your way," he sighed. Glancing down, he noticed the picnic basket which she was still holding in a death grip and asked with interest, "Got any food in there?" He hadn't eaten since before the Quidditch match, and Merlin only knew how long ago _that_ was.

Relieved to be moving to a more benign subject, the girl flipped open the basket and pulled out a cookie. "My Grandma's sick, so I brought her some oatmeal cookies…here, have one." She handed it to Malfoy, and he immediately devoured it. He automatically reached towards the basket for another, but the girl quickly stepped out of his reach. "Oh no, you don't," she admonished him with a smile, "I told you these are for my Grandma. I'll take some in to her and whatever she doesn't want you can have, all right?"

He nodded sourly. "Just don't offer her too many, okay? I'm really hungry," he grumbled.

She nodded and headed off towards what Malfoy assumed to be the grandmother's bedroom. _Hopefully the old bat's asleep…then I can get all of the cookies and probably sneak in a good snog, too._ He impatiently strode over to a nearby chair and plopped down on it, restlessly drumming his fingers in his lap while he waited. Just at the point where he was ready to go in to the bedroom and demand a few more cookies, he heard the red-hooded girl's alarmed voice coming through the thin wall:

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

_What in the bloody hell?_ Then there was a shriek which caused Malfoy to jump up out of his chair. As he headed towards the bedroom to see what was going on, Red dashed out of the room and directly into his arms. _Hey, not bad…_ Malfoy thought, sliding a hand around her waist.

Red was trying to make a run for it. "No, you octopus!" she cried. "We have to get out of here _now!" _

"Why? What's going—"

He looked up and saw an extremely large wolf standing on its hind legs in the bedroom doorway, dressed in a long pink nightgown complete with ruffled mob cap. _What in the name of Merlin is_ that_ ridiculous thing?_ "Greyback?" he asked in befuddlement. The wolf merely stared back at him threateningly and began to growl.

"Are you crazy, he going to eat us! Come on, run for it!" Red was pulling at his Quidditch robe which revealed his inside pocket. _Oh right, my wand._ In a fluid movement, Malfoy whipped out his wand and pointed it directly at the sleep-ensembled wolf and shouted, _"Petrificus Totalis!"_

The wolf let out a last gruff and toppled to the floor, frozen stiff.

Red stared at the wolf, wide-eyed, then turned back to Malfoy. "That was incredible!" she gasped.

Malfoy smirked. "Yeah, well…"

He never got to finish because Red flew into his arms and began kissing him furiously. _Now I could get used to _this_…hell yeah…_

BANG, BANG!

"Uh oh," Red managed to pant, "someone's at the door!"

Malfoy continued to kiss her neck. "Ignore it, babe," he murmured.

BANG, BANG!!

"_Open up in the name of the Prince!"_ a voice boomed through the door.

"The Prince?" Red attempted to extricate herself from Malfoy's grasp. "I have to answer that!"

"No, no, don't go, Red…_bollockov!"_ he swore vehemently as she headed towards the door. Petulantly, he turned to the picnic basket and pulled out a few cookies to assuage his temper.

"Hello, young lady, you haven't seen a lad in a long green dress by any chance, have you?"

At the new voice, Malfoy looked up to see a rather ridiculous looking prince dressed in teal satin who looked vaguely familiar. Behind him was Potter, who looked quite frazzled and whose hair was sticking up even more so than usual. Potter spotted him and cried, "Malfoy! I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank Merlin!"

Malfoy sneered back at him and took a big bite of oatmeal cookie.

* * *

An hour later, Harry wanted to throttle Malfoy. They had been walking behind the prince's horse to the castle and Malfoy had raised an objection to practically every part of Harry's plan. Firstly, as Harry had predicted, Malfoy hadn't appreciated having to pose as Harry's assistant. ("In what bloody dimension would I ever have to be subservient to _you_, Scarhead?" That had earned Malfoy another kick.) Secondly, he didn't want to get anywhere near the Great Book again. ("Have you gone all sixes and sevens, Potter? That book might send us into a Shakespearean tragedy next! Everybody _dies_ in those things, you know!") The one thing that had gotten him to comply was when the prince had insisted that Little Red Riding Hood go with them—at the moment, she was seated behind the prince on his horse. Whenever Malfoy got too surly, Harry would ask the girl for another cookie out of her basket and he'd shove it at Malfoy in order to get a moment or two of blessed silence.

Unfortunately, Red had run out of cookies about a half an hour ago, so Harry was stuck with, "How much longer are we going to have to walk, Scarhead? This is ridiculous…Malfoys do _not_ trail behind bloody horses."

"Malfoy, will you just shut it until we get to the castle?" Harry shot back through gritted teeth.

"But this is beyond intolerable! I've never walked so much in my life!"

"Mr. Wolf? Are you getting tired?" Red was looking over her shoulder at Malfoy with concern. He immediately smirked in return and sped up his pace to catch up with the horse. "Nah, I've got _plenty_ of stamina, babe," he drawled as he reached up to tug on her white anklet sock.

Harry rolled his eyes. _Only _Malfoy_ would hit on Little Red Riding Hood. Well, at least it keeps the annoying prat out of my hair. _Distractedly, he wondered if Malfoy would be quite so attentive if he had made the connection that Red really did resemble Hermione Granger a great deal. _Most likely he would choke on that smug smirk of his,_ Harry grumbled to himself.

"There it is!" the prince cried, breaking into Harry's train of thought. They had stopped on the top of a small hill and the prince was pointing at the horizon. In the distance, Harry could see a castle that looked very much like Hogwarts. _Well, at least things are starting to look a little more familiar, _Harry thought hopefully. _Maybe that's a good sign. _Taking a deep breath, he began to follow the horse and Malfoy down the hill towards their destination.

* * *

Once they had made it through the castle gates, Prince Philip left Harry, Malfoy and Little Red Riding Hood cooling their heels in the courtyard. He declared that he needed a few moments to refresh himself before they did anything else. "I can't _possibly_ be seen in this soiled tunic any longer! I think my puce silk would be best for this occasion…yes, yes…"

Harry nodded impatiently and Malfoy opened his mouth to say something that would most likely get them into trouble, so Harry prepared to kick him once more.

"_OW!_ Hey, what gives, Red?!"

Apparently Little Red Riding Hood had beat him to it.

Harry grinned, then flinched as a commotion rose up from behind them at the gates that they had just passed through. All three spun at once to see an angry army of cards yelling at the guards at the castle gate.

"_Run for it!"_ Harry cried.

In the confusion, Harry, Malfoy, and Little Red Riding Hood sped off in separate directions.

Harry dashed around the corner, keeping close to the castle in the hopes of finding a door that might possibly lead to a decent hiding place. As he sprinted down the path that ran parallel to the castle, a long, golden rope unfurled from above and dropped down right in front of him.

_Oh, thank Merlin,_ Harry thought in relief as he seized the rope and began to shimmy up to safety. When he got to the top, he realized that it hadn't been a rope he was climbing—a girl was bracing herself against the balcony for stability so that she wouldn't slide as he had pulled himself up. He had just climbed up her hair! In shock, he nearly let go of the gargantuan blonde braid and plummeted to the courtyard below.

She anxiously reached out her hand towards him. "Here, pull yourself over the balcony!"

Still in a state of shock, Harry managed to haul himself over the balcony railing and land directly in front of the follicularly-blessed girl. She was staring at him with rather large, slightly protruding blue eyes, and Harry was reminded vaguely of Luna Lovegood. "Lun—I mean, Rapunzel?" he asked dazedly.

"How did you know?" she asked in surprise. Then her face lit up in recognition. "Oh, you must be the powerful wizard that my brother brought home to read the Great Book of Spells!"

"Er, yeah, but I just got separated from my assistant and his…uh…assistant," he finished lamely. He figured that he should also cover for Red Riding Hood, being as the prince was obviously too occupied with his attire to help them all out.

Rapunzel's eyes grew even wider, if possible. "That's terrible! We must find them so that you can help us!"

Harry put a hand to his head. "I don't even know where to start," he confessed.

Just then, the door flung open with a SLAM and Malfoy burst into the room, wild-eyed. His white-blonde hair was mussed and covered in straw. _Straw?_ Harry wondered. _What in the name of Merlin?_ Then, Malfoy spotted him. "Potter! Get these problematic pieces of pork off of my tail! I can't hit them with stinging hexes because there's three of them!"

"Three of what, Malfoy? What kind of trouble have you gotten into now?"

"How was I supposed to know that the stable pens wouldn't be safe in this bloody place? All I did was run over a haystack, and—"

Malfoy never got to finish his rant because at that moment, a brick sailed into the room, missing his head by mere inches. "Dammit!" he yelled as three pigs wearing overalls charged into the room—one was wielding a couple of long sticks, the other had a brick in each…_hoof_, and the third was pointing at Malfoy and hollering, "There he is! Get him, fellas!" Malfoy immediately curled into fetal position and covered his head.

Harry began to frantically search for his wand, but was interrupted by, "Larry! What are you and your brothers doing out of your pen? Stop it this instant!"

_Larry?_ Both Harry and Malfoy looked up at the princess in confusion as she scolded the Three Little Pigs. "These are our powerful wizard friends who are here to help us! You have no cause to attack them!"

The pig that had been addressed as Larry put his hoofs on his hips. "We do if they knock over our home, your highness! This cross-dressing brat just ran down my house and flattened it beyond repair!"

Malfoy uncurled himself from his fetal position with a sneer. "Look here, Bacon-Bits, I did nothing of the—"

Harry sent him a swift kick and Malfoy muttered an expletive that Harry had never even heard before. "It was an accident, uh…sir…my assistant here isn't familiar with the royal pens," Harry addressed the short-tempered swine. "Please accept my apologies Mr..?"

The pig appeared mollified by the explanation. "Larry," he answered Harry. "And this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl," he continued, indicating the pig holding the sticks and the pig brandishing the bricks.

"Larry, Darryl and Darryl? You have _got_ to be kidding me…and don't you dare kick me again, Potter!"

Harry decided that it was best to act as if Malfoy wasn't even speaking. He turned to the princess. "Your highness, if you could just help us find our other assistant and take us to the Great Book of Spells, we could get right to work on that for you."

"Yeah, right after you show us where the kitchens are…I've got a hankering for a BLT," Malfoy added with a diabolical leer at Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

It was then that Harry learned that pigs could growl.

Ignoring the Malfoy-swine face off, the princess asked, "What does your assistant's assistant look like?"

"She's about your height, has brown curly hair and brown eyes and is wearing a red cape with a hood," Harry answered promptly.

The princess immediately went to the door and called for the guard. She gave Little Red Riding Hood's description to a couple of soldiers that looked unnervingly like the Weasley twins, and they directly set off to find the missing girl. The princess then turned back to Harry, Malfoy, and the put-out pigs. "Come," she commanded. "Let's get you over to the tower right away."

* * *

Malfoy followed Potter the Perfect and Princess Pompadour (he had never seen so much hair on a human being in his entire life) up to the tower room—apparently, this was where the court wizards resided and where the Great Book of Spells was kept. Unfortunately, Bacon, Ham and Sausage decided to come along for the ride. _I don't bloody believe this…this damn ploy of Potter's better work. I'm sick and tired of getting stalked by pigs, attacked by poorly dressed wolves and shirty dwarves, and being on the run from bloodthirsty playing cards._

"Nice dress, Homewrecker," one of the Darryls scoffed from behind Malfoy as they entered the tower room. The other two pigs snorted uproariously, and Malfoy turned on the insolent swine, ready to tell him that he'd be of more use as an American football, but was interrupted by, "Mr. Wolf, you made it!" Before he knew what was happening, Red had rushed up to him and enveloped him in a hug. _Well, at least there's _something_ decent about this blasted place… _He wrapped an arm around Red's waist and smirked at her. "So when did you get here, babe?"

Red blushed at his familiarity. "The sentries found me and escorted me up here, along with the prince," she nodded over at Prince Popinjay, who was dressed in a horrid purplish-colored tunic with a revoltingly ruffled lace collar. The prince was busily addressing his court wizards and gesticulating animatedly to Potter, who was looking like he wished he were somewhere else. _You and me both, Scarhead_. Malfoy shook his head and turned back to Red. _Might as well make the most of my time here_, he thought as he leaned over to plant a kiss on her ear.

"Malfoy! Stop fooling around and get over here and help me out!"

_Buggeration._ Malfoy froze in place, contemplating the merit of shoving that stupid Book of Spells down The Boy Who Was a Pain in the Arse's throat. "Go on, this is important," Red admonished Malfoy as she moved away from him.

"Yeah, Loverboy, take a hike," one of the pigs put in, as the other two broke out into snorts once again. _Why you rotten little rump roasts…_ Before he could do anything, Red stepped in and gave him a gentle push in the direction of Potter, the prince and the befuddled court wizards.

He moved over to the other side of Potter, who had been positioned by the prince in front of the immense book which was on a small podium for the wizards' display. "We just can't seem to make sense of some of the language that's being used in this book, Great Wizard," one of the court wizards was addressing Potter.

"_Great Wizard?"_ Malfoy sneered in disbelief. Potter opened the book and managed to kick Malfoy at the same time. "Merlin's pruny pric—"

The Scarhead spoke loudly over Malfoy's invective. "I think my assistant and I need a moment alone to look over this book before we decide anything…_right_, Assistant Wizard?" Potter added pointedly to Malfoy. Malfoy nodded resentfully and flipped through a few pages of the book with an exasperated sigh. "All right, what in the bloody hell are we looking for, Potter?" he grumbled.

"Something. _Anything_ that might look like a clue," Potter muttered back.

"That is the vaguest load of doxy droppings—"

"Shut up and read."

The two Seekers stared down at the pages of the Great Book as the prince, the court wizards, the princess, Red, and Larry, Darryl and Darryl waited at a respectful distance. After reading for a moment or two, Malfoy uttered in disbelief, "Scarhead? This…book…is…about…_Quidditch."_

Potter was silent for a moment, then said in an equally shaken voice, "Not just Quidditch, Malfoy…this…this is about a game that we've already played."

"_What?"_

"Look here, this is back from our Second Year." The Scarhead pointed to a paragraph and Malfoy read:

"_Training for the ballet, Potter?" yelled Malfoy as Harry was forced to do a stupid kind of twirl in midair to dodge the Bludger, and he fled, the Bludger trailing a few feet behind him; and then, glaring back at Malfoy in hatred, he saw it—_the Golden Snitch_. It was hovering inches above Malfoy's left ear—and Malfoy, busy laughing at Harry, hadn't seen it._

"I saw it, I was just trying to fake you out," Malfoy mumbled defensively.

"Codswallop. Now how does this book know what happened in that Quidditch match?" Potter wondered. "It's the same book, but why is it about _us_ now? Before it was about…"

Slowly, both boys looked over the top of the massive tome and stared at Prince Philip, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs and the court wizards, who were all watching them with bated breath. Then, just as slowly, the boys turned to each other, blinking in consternation.

"Do…do you suppose that we switched places with them, Potter? I mean, are we stuck in this bloody book for good?" Malfoy's voice has risen a bit in pitch at the end; he hoped that the Scarhead wasn't able to tell that he was beginning to panic.

"We can't be," Potter muttered back unconvincingly. "Let's backtrack for a moment…we need to retrace our steps as to exactly what we were doing before we ended up here."

"We were arguing over this blasted book!" Malfoy burst out, slamming his hand down on the open page. The podium supporting the book swayed precariously.

"Watch it!" Potter cried, steadying the ancient tome. "Yeah, well, we're arguing over it now, so maybe that's a step in the right direction."

"Young sirs? Might I ask if you are making any progress over there?" the Prince called out. He was peering at them over a bejeweled hand mirror that he had been admiring himself in, while Red and the Princess glanced over at him and rolled their eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, it's coming along, Fop a Lot, keep your shirt on!" Malfoy shot back. Surprisingly, Potter didn't follow that comment up with a kick; it was probably due to the fact that the Scarhead was so intently focused on the book in front of him.

"Look at this," Potter broke in, still engrossed in reading. "This section back here is talking about something that hasn't even happened yet…it says we get into a duel in the bathroom?"

"Let me see that," Malfoy made a grab for the book. "Quit it, you git!" Potter complained. "I'm trying to read."

"Mr. Wolf?" Red had started to approach them tentatively. "Do you two need any help over there?" Her face was creased with concern.

Malfoy immediately gave her a Patented Malfoy Smirk as he simultaneously stomped on The Boy Who Bitched's foot. Potter grunted in pain as Malfoy arrogantly slid the book over to his side of the podium. "Everything's just fine, Red. Now why don't you bring your cute little self over here, and—_whoof!"_

Malfoy's breath had come out in a huff as Potter had managed to elbow him in the stomach while pulling the immense book back over to his side of the podium. As Malfoy doubled over in pain, vigorously cursing the Gryffindork, Larry, Darryl and Darryl cheered in approval. "Nice one, Four Eyes!"

"Barmy bunches of bologna…" Malfoy wheezed threateningly.

"Look here, Malfoy, concentrate!"

"It's hard to concentrate when you can't breathe, Scarhead!"

"Your highness, I'm not so sure that these new wizards know any more about The Great Book of Spells than we do!" one of the court wizards was saying to the prince as they approached the squabbling Seekers.

"I think you may be right, Schmendrick. See here, lads, I think that perhaps I might have made a mistake in bringing you here—"

"_What?!"_ both boys exclaimed together.

"No! Philip, I really do think that they're on to something," the princess broke in furtively.

"Throw the upstarts out, Princey!" the pigs goaded with glee.

"Wait! Can't you at least give them a chance?" Red wailed.

"Thanks, baby…now c'mere and—_ow!_ Dammit, Potter, that hurt!"

"Keep your mind on our problem here, Malfoy!"

"Young wizards, I think it's time you left…oh, where are the guards? I don't have time for this; I'm due for a manicure!"

"Oh, Philip, _really_…"

"Get that white-haired wrecking-ball!"

"Oi, porky, my hair is NOT white!"

Potter had tilted the book to stand upright and he squatted behind it, pulling Malfoy down with him. "Malfoy, think! You were the last one to speak before this book lit up and we ended up in this crazy place! What in the name of Merlin was it that you said?" he demanded.

"How should I know?" Malfoy shot back as he grabbed on to the other end of the book. Each boy was supporting an end of the huge volume, using it as a shield against the mutinous characters. Just then, a brick flew past the outer corner of Malfoy's side of the leather-bound cover. "Something about…" Malfoy managed as he ducked his head, "wanting to get out of there! You know, detention!"

"Why would that make a…wait a minute, I remember!" A stick flew past Potter's head. "You said, _'anything to get out of here quicker'!"_

At that moment, the book began to glow once more with an unearthly light. "That's it!" Potter cried excitedly. "Hold on, Malfoy!"

The light coming from the book filled the room as both boys held on to the book for dear life. "Scarhead, you had better know what you're doing!"

"Trust meeeeeeeeeeee…"

* * *

Harry regained consciousness with a cough—he had just inhaled a bunch of dust. _What in the name of Merlin? _he thought as he abruptly sat up, causing his head to swim rapidly. Putting his hands to his head, he groaned as he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for his head to stop spinning.

"What…who…Potter, is that you?"

Harry coughed again and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah…you okay, Malfoy?"

He was answered by a fit of coughing. _What's with all of the dust?_ Finally, Harry's head stopped whirling so that he could open his eyes the tiniest bit.

All he could see were dusty books.

"Malfoy! We did it! We're back in the library storage room!" He grabbed a handful of Malfoy's Quidditch robes and yanked him into an upright seated position.

"Dammit, Potter, my head feels like it's going to explode—did you say we're back?" Malfoy's eyes shot open and he looked about. "We are! We're back—thank Salazar!"

The large book was lying on the floor in front of them, opened to the last page. Harry reached out and quickly slammed the book shut and pushed it away with his foot. "We don't ever want that happening again…I never want to see another fairy tale book as long as I live."

Malfoy was lounging on the floor with his forearms resting on his knees. "I dunno," he said in a remote voice, "I wouldn't mind reading a bit more about that Little Red Driving Wood bird…"

"Are you kidding me, Malfoy? We almost got run down by a bunch of—"

"Hello? Oh, Harry, I thought I heard voices back here!" Hermione Granger was standing in the doorway between the back of the library and the storage room with a puzzled expression on her face. "And _Malfoy?_ What are you two doing here?"

"Granger in the library…big surprise there," Malfoy drawled mockingly.

"Hi, Hermione. McGonagall gave us detention duty after the Quidditch game…we have to dust off and stack all of these books by hand." Harry replied, ignoring Malfoy.

"Merlin's pants…it seems like you have your hands full!" She put a hand to her head as she looked about the room and the red lining on the sleeve of her Gryffindor school robe framed the back of her head. "Bloody hell," Malfoy muttered softly.

Harry glanced over at Malfoy, who was looking at Hermione with a painful grimace on his face. Apparently, Malfoy had just made the Hermione-Red connection. Pushing himself up with a resigned sigh, he said, "So Granger, why don't you tell me about some of these blasted books?"

Hermione looked at Malfoy and blinked in astonishment. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me, Granger. And why don't you put the hood up on your school robe for a sec…I want to see how it looks."

"What in the world are you talking about, Malfoy?"

Harry looked away from the exchange and shook his head. Turning back to the large book on the floor, he could see that it now had a title etched in gold across the front cover, but it was quickly fading. Recognizing his name, he spied the words, _Harry Potter and the _… just before they faded away.

_MY NAME on the cover?_ Not being able to help himself, Harry immediately flipped open the book began to hastily leaf through the pages, but they were all blank. He looked up to see if anyone else had noticed what he had seen, but Malfoy and Hermione were totally oblivious—they were embroiled in some sort of banter or squabble in the corner. _Great Gryffindor, I sure hope THAT doesn't last, _he thought, once again turning away from the unsettling scene.

Finally, Harry closed the book with a sigh. _It's just as well, I suppose,_ he mused as he reached for a feather duster. _Who in their right mind would read a book about ME, anyway? _And with a cough, he got back to work.

THE END


End file.
